7 weeks and 4 days. The end of a beginning. My miscarriage.
”No heartbeat.” Two punches in the gut.
”I’m sorry.” The doc said softly while vainly searching for a heartbeat again.
And there it was. On the screen. Still. Like my heart. Like my very breath.
Losing a child is like losing a piece of your heart. And when your uterus is emptied, so is your soul.The grief is inexplainable. The pain never-ending; but throbbing violently in response to every conversation leading to the fetus that never could be.
”You’re young. You could always have another baby.” (Yes I can but what would my child have been like? My princess or my prince. A naughty elf or a quiet child. All kids are different and irreplaceable).
” Life goes on. Be strong.” (Yes, life goes on. But it’s never the same again)
and so on.
” We cannot be sure. It could be a chromosomal defect that lead to a miscarriage this early on.” replied the doc when I enquired about the reason.
As humans, we like to understand the reason, the causal effect behind all that happens. I sat in the car, choking back tears and pecking at my brain….
Could it be swimming routine?
Could it be my toddler head-butting me right in the stomach?But it was gentle enough…or was it?
Could it be…could it be…could it be…lots of them.
As the guilt ate away at my heart, I wept helplessly.
How do you deal with it?
You don’t. You cannot deal with it. But you take each day as it comes; one gentle step at a time.My husband shared a few beautiful things with me that really eased my guilt and steadied my heart.
The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah upon him, said, “By the One in Whose hands is my soul, the miscarried fetus will drag his mother to paradise by his [umbilical] cord if she was patient [with the miscarriage], hoping to be rewarded.” [Ahmad]
Narrated by Abu Hassan: I said to Abu Huraira that my two children had died. Would you narrate to me anything from Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) a Hadith which would soothe our hearts in out bereavements? He said: yes. Small children are the birds of Paradise. If one of them meets his father he would take hold of his cloth, or he said with his hand as I take hold of the hem of your cloth (with my hand). And he (the child) would not take off (his hand) from it until Allah causes his parents to enter paradise.
The beautiful phrase “Inn Allah M’a Al Saabireen, which is pronounced as “Innallah M’assaabireen”, literally means “Indeed, The God (Allah) is with the people who have patience”.
A miscarriage isn’t just miscarrying your child. It’s miscarrying an irreplaceable, very material piece of your heart, soul and body- the very core of your being. But when faith dictates what’s be is to be despite all your efforts- that life and death are pre-ordained and that your child is safe in the garden of Paradise and will make your path easy too in the Eternal Life- then patience grips your heart and cracks become easier to fill. Yes, one needs these beautiful reminders constantly along the path. But they help a lot. A lot.